I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
I'm heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
So come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
No, I don't think so.
- No, that's a hairdryer! - Can I help you find something?
Yeah. Do you have any erections?
- Any what? - I need to get an erection for my dad.
- Very funny, boys. Go on, beat It. - Why is that funny?
Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time.
And I heard them say it's 'cause my dad doesn't have an erection.
So I want to get him one.
Damn it! What the hell is wrong with everybody?
That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of!
Why is it so hard to get an erection?
I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom!
What?
Oh, where you gonna go, Kenny?
You gonna see your little girlfriend again?
Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl.
If you don't...
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- You bastards! - What the hell happened to him?
- He just ignited. - What happened?
I saw it from across the street! He just caught on fire!
Okay, people, stand back. Give the little burnt boy some breathing room.
I've heard about this! This is spontaneous combustion!
But It usually only happens to fat people near open flames!
- Is it contagious? - Am I going to spontaneously combust?
- I hope nothing happens to me! - This is very scary!
The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion.
That's why I've assembled this crack team of scientists
to find out the cause of the phenomenon.
You are the best scientific minds South Park has to offer!
- Mayor, I'm a geologist. - Right!
Well, I don't study human biology. I study the Earth.
Look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town.
You have to find an answer before more people combust!
You do that and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park.
- Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! - Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy!
Make love to me, Randy! Please!
Wow...
Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, or else.
- Or else what? - Exactly.
Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on.
Yeah...
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...
Sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh.
There seems to be a lot more take thing going on... But there it is.
Perhaps, if more of you attended church on Sundays,
the Lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us
- By take thing this little boy... - Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.
Now, let us pray.
Lord... Though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater
to the Jets... Still, we hope our beloved Broncos
can bring home another Super Bowl championship,
and once again bathe in the glory of your light.
- Amen. - Amen.
Let's go...
- Let's go... - Let's go...
Broncos.
- Broncos. - Broncos.
Let's go, Broncos.
- Broncos. Let's go! - Broncos. Let's go!
Wow, that was short.
Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Well, I'm Jewish.
You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
- I guess not. - Good.
Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross
- This Friday night? - The what?
It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection
- Of Jesus Christ. - Hey! "Resurrection"!
- That's what my dad needs! - Huh?
- We'll do it! We'll do it! - Wonderful.
Here's a booklet on how to perform it. Don't let me down, boys!
Dude, this is great. You know all the stations of the cross, right, Stan?
I don't know, dude. I might have to go look in the Bible.
- Good night, Jerry. - See you, Tom. Bye, Helen.
Bye, Jer...
- Oh, my God! Another one! - Helen! No!
- What happened? - God must be very angry with us.
But why? How have we angered you, Lord?
Now let's see, if they combust from the...
No... Could be from the... No...
Dad, where's our Bible?
Not now, Stan. I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion,
- Or else... - Or else what?
Exactly.
- What? - Right.
Where's our Bible?
It's in the attic with the old LPs.
Boys... Did you notice anything strange about Kenny in the weeks
leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
- New girlfriend? - Yeah, he started seeing this girl
and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her.
What does that have to do with his death?
Maybe nothing.
Maybe everything.
Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection.
Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do.
What?
So, let's see... Jesus got crucified, then he died, then three days later
he had his erection. Okay, there's 14 stations of the cross.
It says we can make costumes out of sheets.
- This is gonna be fun! - I'm gonna be Jesus.
You're too fat to be Jesus.
- Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew? - Stan should be Jesus.
Either I'm Jesus, or else screw you guys, I'm going home.
You're such a fat baby!
Well, I guess you guys can do the stations of the cross by yourselves.
All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
All right, all right, let's try it again. Kenny was standing here...
Stan, Kyle and Cartman were walking around him...
Okay... Now walk...
- Do you feel hot? - No.
Damn it. How come you're not combusting?
Come on, Randy,
you said we were gonna drink beer and watch the fight.
Another one! Another one combusted!
No. Had she been doing anything odd?
No, she was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house.
Boyfriend? And they said Kenny had a new girlfriend...
This is stupid. Screw you guys. I'm going home.
No! I think I might have it!
Well, well, well. A lot of you came to church...
Looks like we're all a little nervous
about this spontaneous combustion thing, huh?
- Yeah. - Well, on this blessed Friday,
let us give thanks for stuff and things.
Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us suddenly burst into flame
for no apparent reason?
I mean... Come on. Amen.
And now, some of our darling local children are going to perform
the stations of the cross.
Cute.
"Station one. Jesus is condemned to death by Pilate."
Die!
You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God.
Cute.
"Station two. Jesus takes his cross."
This cross is seriously heavy. Oh, man, this is totally weak.
"And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies he knows him."
- Peter. - I don't know you, dude.
Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame.
But I'm Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.
- Mayor. - Mayor! I have it!
I found out why people spontaneously combust!
- Why? - It's too complicated
to explain over the phone. Call a town meeting tomorrow.
Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh,
you're going to be the most popular man in South Park!
- Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! - Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy!
Make love to me, Randy! Please!
Wow.
Schmuck.
"Station 11. Jesus is nailed to the cross."
Oh, this has gone from weak to super-weak.
Things can not get any more weak for me.
Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus' head,
and Jesus was all, like, "Thanks."
Well, this sucks that I have to die. But if I die,
everyone's sins will be forgiven, so I guess it's cool.
"And then Jesus was led away to Mount Sinai,
"where he died, and has a resurr-erection three days later."
Hi, Mom!
Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name of Jesus.
It's a great name, isn't it?
Hey, that went really well. They really liked it!
Yeah, I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.
Oh, man, at least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds!
Up your ass with broken glass.
This spot looks good.
- Yeah, that looks pretty good. - Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.
Hey wait! Where the hell are you going?
- I don't know... I'm going home, I guess. - Yeah, me too.
Well, get me down from here.
Cartman, how stupid are you?
Didn't you read the Bible? We have to leave you up there
until you die and then you come back to life in three days.
- What? - Yeah, dummy,
- You have to get an erection. - Then I can give it to my dad.
Hey! Hey, I don't wanna be Jesus any more!
Don't leave me here, you guys!
All right, that does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Okay, I'm getting pissed now.
All right, people. Scientist Marsh and I have been working very hard
on the problem of spontaneous combustion,
and we have finally come up with a solution! Mr. Marsh?
The little boy combusted... Because he had a new girlfriend.
It wasn't the girl that caused him to combust,
it was the fact that Kenny did not want to pass gas in front of her.
You see, as food is digested, the natural processes
give off a by-product known as methane gas.
The methane gathers here in the bowel area, where it causes pressure.
Normally, a person would expel this build-up in the form of a pleasant fart.
Should the gas not be expelled, the methane can build up,
and then ignite, leading to disaster.
Kenny combusted because he held his farts in for too long.
You mean, all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?
Exactly.
So, from this day forward, everyone in South Park will be required to fart
on a regular basis to ensure that nobody else spontaneously explodes.
- Randy! Randy! Randy! - We love you, Randy.
Make love to me, Randy, please.
Whoa, dude! My dad's famous!
Come on. Let's go see how Cartman's doing with his erection.
Wow, he died.
Now, we just gotta wait for his erection and I can give it to my dad.
- Hey, there you guys are! - Cartman?
You guys are in big trouble! Now get me down from here!
How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?
You guys... I am seriously... Get me down right now!
Look, fat ass. After you die and get resurr-erected,
you'll have all kinds of superpowers, just like Jesus.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, hurry up and die, you piece of crap.
When I get my super powers, I'm gonna use them
to smote you two assholes right off the planet.
Dude, superpowers are sweet.
- Hi, boys! - Hi, Mr. Mackey!
Have you boys been sure to pass gas regularly
so you don't spontaneously combust?
We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!
Well, let me show you, just to be sure, m'kay?
Come on. Good girl, now.
- Jesus Christ! - Sick, dude!
I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night.
Dude, I think you pulled mud!
So, you boys understand you have to do that regularly, m'kay?
Okay, okay. Just go away!
God, that was not cool at all, dude.
Oh, hello, boys. Have you seen Eric around anywhere?
- We've been taking care of him. - Yeah, we're having him resurr-erected.
Oh, all right. I was just at the store buying some apples.
- Apples? - Yes, apples.
- Apples! Get it? - Dude! Sick!
Stinky apples! See you boys!
- I don't think I like this new law. - Squeaker!
And so, I declare today Randy Marsh Day,
where we shall remember forever how he freed us all from the threat
of spontaneous combustion.
Gentlemen!
- You're the best, Randy! - I am? I am, huh?
I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now!
It's too bad Cartman can't be here
- To enjoy this. - Yeah.
You guys! Seriously! Somebody get me down from here!
Officer Barbrady.
T! T is for turtle!
Hey! Help me, you son of a bitch!
I'm going to die up here...
We now return to the 42nd annual Nobel Prize Awards!
Here, again your host... Whoopi Goldberg!
Republicans are so stupid.
I hate Republicans.
Republicans are so stupid.
And now, here to present the Nobel Prize for Science,
here is Nick Nolte.
Science is good. Science is very important. This year's nominees are...
Herald R. Pinkerton for his further development
of the grand unified theory of physics.
Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory
on spontaneous combustion.
And Alphonse Mephisto for his seven-assed Galapagos turtle.
And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Randy Marsh, for the theory of spontaneous fart thing!
No! No, this can't be!
Wow! Oh, oh, wow! I'm the best, yeah, yeah!
It's just so amazing to be told that you're the best.
I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but... Yeah!
Well, thank you for showing me otherwise! Yeah! I kick ass! Yeah!
Fix! Fix!
That was supposed to be my award, Kevin.
I'll get him for this! Mark my words!
Wow! My dad's the best! All other dads suck compared to my dad!
Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too!
I'm sorry, honey.
It's okay. I'll just call some 20-year-old
and have him come over.
- What? - I'm just kidding!
Kidding? Well that's not funny! That hurt my feelings!
- Why? - Why?
Kyle!
Don't worry, you guys. I'm getting an erection as we speak.
- Huh? - Well, actually,
Cartman's getting an erection...
But then we're gonna give it to you!
So buck up!
We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.
Dude! He's still not dead!
You guys, my mom is totally worried about me! You better let me down!
She's not worried about you.
Yes, she is! I've been hearing her all day. Listen. Listen...
Eric? Eric? Where are you? I miss you very much.
That's not your mom calling!
Yes, it is you guys. I'm seriously.
This is Eric's mom and I want him home right now.
How stupid do you think we are? Now you die on that cross
and get resurr-erected before I kick your ass!
You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't do this!
He is right. It has been getting really hot lately.
Yeah, I noticed that, too... Let's go get some ice-cold lemonade.
- Hey, yeah! - Oh! Goddamn it!
You guys. You guys wanna hear my "I hate Stan and Kyle" song?
I hate Stan and Kyle! I seriously hate Stan and Kyle!
My God, it's burning up in here! Can't we crank the AC up some more?
It's already on full.
You wanted to see me, Mayor?
Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and I think only you can solve it.
I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heat wave.
Yes. The temperature is steadily rising every day.
I want you to find out why.
Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this.
My scientific mind is best used on global problems.
All right, all right, name your price.
Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
Done. Just find out what's happening.
Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause. Or else. Or else what? Exactly.
Hey guys. Seriously, dude...
What the...
Oh, what now?
Chef! Chef!
Children, what the hell are you doing?
Just get me down from here!
Finally! My arms were killing me!
You children shouldn't be out crucifying yourselves in this heat!
Sweet. Now, I am gonna go kill those guys!
Eric, I have to tell you something and it's really gonna bum you out.
- What? - It's gonna really piss you off.
- What? - This is just a dream.
You're still up on that cross.
Oh, damn it!
- Dad, where's the phonebook? - Not now, Stanley.
Without my scientific genius, the town is doomed.
Let's see, now... When exactly did the temperature start to go up...
Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park.
Let's go to the phones. Caller, you're on the air.
Yeah, Jesus... After you got crucified, how long did it take you
- to die and resurrect? - Stan?
That's not the topic tonight.
The topic is global warming.
Do you have an opinion on global warming?
It sucks ass.
Okay, thank you, caller... Well, let's just go to our first guest,
Doctor Alphonse Mephisto.
Thanks for coming. You claim to know the cause of global warming
- in South Park. - I most certainly do.
The cause of global warming is... Randy Marsh!
It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion
that told everyone to fart all they want.
Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole
in our ozone layer! We are all doomed to die!
Oh, crap.
- We want answers. - You killed us all!
- Someone's gotta pay. - This is out of control!
Boy, they're really pissed.
Well, they're right. We should have known
that all that methane could adversely effect the atmosphere.
Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by me.
- Hey! - You've killed us all!
Shove that Nobel Prize up your ass!
Oh, my God. What's going on?
Now we either hold in our farts and spontaneously combust,
or we let our farts out and kill our entire planet!
Well, I for one am not farting any more!
I'll try to find a solution.
We don't want your solutions, phoney!
Give me that! Yeah!
- Damn you, Marsh! Get outta town! - You fraud!
- Mr. Garrison! Help me! - I... I do not know you, sir.
Up yours.
- Yeah! Take that! - Dude! That's my dad!
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
The spontaneous combustion problem escalates
as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts...
Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete,
as others refuse to hold in their farts, for fear of combustion.
As we all know, the cause for all of this
is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist.
We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say...
I don't know what to say.
What an asshole. I hate that guy and so do you. And now on to the weather.
It's... hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, son of a bitch.
- Dude, those people are pissed. - I know, huh?
- Where's your dad? - He's hiding down in the basement.
I don't know what to do.
Well, you have to help him, just like I have to help my dad.
Still more effects from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh!
A giant glacier is melting above South Park
and the entire town is doomed!
And now these messages.
Having a hard time with male potency? Well, I don't and I'm Bob Dole.
What's wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up.
- Are you a lawyer? - Yes.
- We want to sue Randy Marsh! - Why?
He gave us skin cancer!
Yeah. He put that hole in the ozone,
and now we've got skin cancer all over our hot bodies. Look!
What are you doing, Dad?
Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on.
His dad is better than me.
No, he's not. He can't even get an erection.
Really?
Dad, you've got to work! People are dying, Dad.
- You've got to come up with a solution. - Not me.
I'm not a scientist. I'm a hack. Even if I found a solution,
those people would still all hate me.
Well, that doesn't matter! I learnt something
from the Stations of the Cross.
What?
See, at first Jesus was all like, "Why me?"
And he was all pissed and stuff.
But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else.
So, he stopped thinking about his own misery, and did what had to be done.
Right as Jesus was dying, he raised his hand and said,
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right.
Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
It ain't bad. You should try reading it sometime.
- Dude, that was Star Trek again. - Huh?
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
That was Wrath of Khan.
Oh. Well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
All right, now let's get to work.
Dad! Dad!
Wow.
Dad! What are you doing? You have to get started!
Right, right, right.
- Kyle! Where's your mother? - She's upstairs.
Well, I have something to give to her!
Don't worry Kyle, everything is gonna be okay between me and your mom.
Really? Great, I don't have to worry about that any more.
Hello!
- Look! There he is! - Get him!
- Please... Everyone... - You're a dead man, Marsh!
Please, just listen to me... I think I found the answer.
Could I borrow one of your rocks?
It's all about moderation!
If you never fart you combust, but if you always fart,
you deplete the ozone. So, we must fart only at appropriate times,
or when it's really, really funny.
- Huh? - Huh?
I know you all hate me. But please, for your own sake,
fart in moderation.
You can keep stoning me now if you want.
And so, we salute Randy Marsh, and his unified theory of moderation
that has saved us all!
See? My dad is the coolest after all!
- Well, my dad's... - Dude, Cartman!
I forgot all about him!
He's been up there for, like, three weeks!
- Wow! - That's amazing!
You guys! I am really pissed off now!
- Dude, you're still alive, Cartman? - Get me down from here!
Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?
Yes, and when I get down from here,
I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!